- Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
- Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay. ..in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
- Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets. ...because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
- Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all. Women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
- Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage is allowed. The sanctity of Britany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
- Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
- Obviously gay parents will raise gay children. Obviously, straight parents only raise straight children.
- Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.
- Children can't succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why society expressly forbids single parents from raising children.
- Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans. Damn our inflexibility anyway.
If you think too much about these statements, you'll end up in a tangle. How can we poke fun at the absurdities of the other side with absurdities of our own??? (Gay marriage IS natural, for one thing.) Try to stay out of your head a little and just notice the absurdities we create when we're afraid of change.
And I'd like to point out that hanging out with tall people has really worked well for me. I'm all of 4'11" (not quite) tall. But when I started out, I was only 19"....
A hat tip here for this list: Re Collection.