Friday, November 02, 2007

Living As If


I realized today that I'm living as if things mattered. They really don't seem to actually matter, but I'm acting as though they might. Everyone assures me that the important things will matter to me again, but that's hard to imagine. It's sort of like not being able to imagine feeling healthy when you're really sick. There's only an intellectual assertion of the possibility of health, not really a memory of what that felt like.

So, I go to the gym. I swim. I look for a job. I tend to the sad tasks of disentangling my life from my partner of 26 years. And I knit.

Knitting soothes me. I bought some happy blue, green, and yellow self-striping sock yarn and am making a circular baby blanket for my brother and his wife's baby-to-be. (What kind of nut-case makes a baby blanket on size 2 needles??? I'm pleading temporary insanity.) I'm knitting for something. There must be something good happening in the future, and these stitches are marking the passage of time toward that good thing. As long as I'm knitting, hope has a place in my life.

6 comments:

jill said...

As long as I'm knitting, hope has a place in my life.

Good to hear it. And good to know you are knitting.

xxoo- jas

Lisa :-] said...

Sometimes, it's just a matter of setting yourself to getting out of bed and putting one foot in front of the other. Or, in your case, keep those needles clicking and creating. Keep on knitting that hope...

Mollie F. said...

Gorgeous knitting! And I'm glad that you're doing things as if they matter. Suddenly, one day, you'll realize they do (maybe the first time you see a picture of that baby with that gorgeous blanket--or see the baby in person).

Sharon said...

You're knitting! Good! Making something with your own hands is so immeasurably healing -- physically, psychically and (of course) metaphorically.

Love the web that's spreading out from your needles.

Lexy said...

As a knitter, size 2 needles takes a lot of dedication, patience and passion.

You may feel down, you may feel weak, but your creative side is alive and well. I think it speaks what you can't quite say yet. I think it will give you clarity.

Extra hugs to you.

Barbara said...

The baby blanket is beautiful.

So are you --