Not YOU, for goodness sakes!
This is another one of those posts that will convince you that it's a whole mess o' crazy inside my head. Here's what I'm thinking -two completely unrelated things that have linked themselves as possibly being about the same underlying thing.
I've thought for a while that my pretty bed might look better with two pillows on it instead of one. I had an extra pillow -with no pillowcase on it- on the floor next to the bed for at least a week. (Because we all know how hard it is to put a pillowcase on a pillow -insert eyeroll here!) Yesterday morning I finished the project and instantly felt uneasy. Last night, I went to bed with the other pillow on the bed and felt downright crowded. I threw the pillow back on the floor and this morning put it away in the linen closet.
Apparently, that bed is MY space. I don't want it to even look like I'm waiting for someone else to be there -not just in my bed, obviously. In my life, I mean. The second thing is weirder. Don't laugh.
I think I might have had a date. Now, wouldn't you think I would KNOW???? I went out with this guy I've known for a while. This one definitely wasn't a date. It was one of those "let's meet at the restaurant after work" deals addressed to anyone and everyone; we were just the only two who showed up. We had a lovely time and decided to meet up again a few weeks later. Now is that a date or not? Who the hell knows.
It turns out that it was remarkably date-like. And I felt EXACTLY as I had felt with the other pillow on my bed. This guy is a lovely friend. I told him I wanted to stop the other thing because I didn't want to not be friends. I know this guy -and think he's great. He wants a simple dating arrangement with absolutely no strings attached anywhere. God knows I don't want permanent attachment right now. But apparently I don't want ANY of that kind of attachment. He was about to walk into a whole pile of "complicated". And I was about to have to share my psychic space, and I'm absolutely not ready.
I'm me, after all. If I ever date again, I'm going to have thought about it, decided I'm ready, fretted about it for a while, freaked out... and then we'll see what happens. Over-analysis-R-us. It's all kind of the opposite of simple, in my head.
Now I get a little stuck. Thriving and sharing can't be opposites. In fact, thinking they are is pretty much the definition of narcissism, and I don't want to go there. Connection and loss of autonomy can't be the same thing. And the fact that I worry about those things teaches me more than a little about my marriage. Maybe until I figure out how to thrive and share, connect and fly, I really do need to keep that extra pillow off the bed.