A month or two ago, I posted about the importance -to me- of forgiving Dave. Everybody said that I should cool my jets; the time is not yet right. Elisa said the most prescient thing -that there was probably more stuff to accumulate that I would have to forgive, so I should just hold on.
Seriously guys, I don't think I'm doing this whole divorce process right. I keep finding more things that are plain hateful -or unspeakably cold and dismissive, to put a nicer spin on it- that Dave has done. Yesterday was a slam of horrifying information. It was mostly discovered accidentally, so I wasn't prepared for it.
And I'm STILL not mad. I just become more and more beat-up. How can a person DO that -simply not care that his actions are this destructive? I don't mean this to turn into a "let's support Andrea" thing. I'm really more curious about him. How does it feel to sit in that big apartment in Swarthmore and plot these things? And before he ever went to Swarthmore he was plotting. (That's part of what I learned yesterday.) I've had to learn -yet again- that he is willing to leave me literally homeless, so he can have his life of freedom. I feel like every time I start to get my feet under me, I find out something new and I'm flattened again.
Does he think it's fun? Does he think it's not important? Don't tell me he doesn't know how destructive he's being. His children know, and he visits this blog almost every day. I couldn't be so dismissive of a person I didn't even know, much less a person I lived with for so long. I have a fine mind and I just don't understand what could be happening here.
Or, to turn it around, was he always this way. If that's the case, I should be posting something like "How could I have been so dim as not to notice?". It's all just so sad.