I Hate Days Off

I don't really. I need them and sink into them like a nice cozy pillow. But there is one thing I hate. There's way too much time to think.

I have to think about the legal stuff, the financial stuff, the division of the property, the name change issues, the job applications I haven't heard about, the scheduling frustrations for my life, my fears and worries and frustrations -and my need that's just not going away to be a particular person's partner. There's too much NOT to do and too much time not to do it in. So I end up doing nothing, which is wrong all the way around.

I haven't accomplished anything I ought to or even anything I want to today. I've nothing to show for myself. At least when I'm working I can say with some honesty that some good came from my efforts. And I justifiably avoided the hard stuff. A win-win ;)

In a few weeks, my life is going to ramp up to another level of crazy-busy. I think that might have been a good decision, but it might also have been a way to even more efficiently avoid looking at difficult issues. So... I'm committed to the craziness and to the place that the crazy-busy-ness takes me (with any luck and a certain amount of stamina). But I need this to be more than an expensive and time-consuming and energy-demanding strategy for avoidance. (Seriously, Andrea.... a nice trip to the beach could be avoidance, too!)

In that spirit, what is the next right thing to do? Tomorrow, it's back to work. How have I moved myself forward today. Will I go to bed safer or stronger than I was this morning?

OK. After I finish breathing into this paper bag, I'm going to look at the papers on my desk and deal with them. I'm going to make sure I have clean clothes to wear to work for the rest of the week. I'm going to figure out an e-mail to a potential employer. I'm going to knit a bit on my nephew's afghan. And I'm going to exercise. That'll take me through to bed time, that's for sure. And then I can go back to avoiding my hard stuff because I'm at work saving savaged humanity. I mean... please... surely that's a good enough excuse. (Don't look too closely to see if I'm actually saving ANYONE except myself. You'll blow my cover.)