I've been trying to be nice. Mostly I've been succeeding, (with a few spectacular lapses). But I've just freaking had it. I was up fretting about this all night and it's DUMB.
Dave's going to be here with the kids at Christmas. I assume they're going to use the house. (He's going to notice that he doesn't have a key to the new locks. I wish I could see that, but alas... I'll be in Alabama.) He has concocted a scheme where he drives me to the airport, uses my car for a week, and then drives himself to the airport on the other end, leaving the car there for me to drive home. This is a total "married person" strategy, and I said yes, weeks ago.
Now I'm thinking "what the freaking hell was on my mind when I said yes to that???". I'm told that every single interaction with me for years (literally, he said every single interaction) has been destructive and non-productive. And he wants to borrow my car? And have me trapped in that car with him for an hour and a half while he goes over that material again? I should do him a favor because....why?
So, do I tell him that the car isn't available after all? Do I just say I'm leaving at...whatever time. Be here 5 minutes before that if you want. Otherwise, I'm fine driving myself in to the airport. And then set rules in my own head about how much I'll take from him? I'm perfectly willing to pull over to the side of the road, and offering him the choice of behaving or walking home -and there would be some serious satisfaction in that. Do I tell him why I'm rethinking this?
On the other hand, if there is ever going to be a reconciliation (whether or not it involves being married to each other) we do have to be in the same room at the same time, I suppose. It doesn't do any good for his hardness of heart to be matched by mine.
Oh hell.... here I go again. Talk about rehashing the same material over and over again.
18 comments:
Andrea, my darling, No. Just NO.
Politely inform him that your car is not available, and that he must make other arrangements.
Reconciliation may occur, but it is highly unlikely to occur when you are trapped in a vehicle for more than ten minutes. Each party must feel free to walk away at any moment, and that moment will not happen speeding down an interstate.
He has caused you pain very recently, and no matter what other good he may have effected in the past, you owe him no favors at this moment. Healing can not occur for you under these circumstances.
(All of the above is, of course, my very considered, loving opinion. Feel free to disregard as you need to for your own health and happiness).
Andrea, Jill is absolutely right on this one! He neither deserves your cooperation nor your assistance in this matter (after all, he is a "big boy" who made his own bed and now has to lie in it)
You do not need to have the "stress" of his re-hash before what will be a hard enough Christmas for you.
DO NOT GIVE HIM YOUR CAR...
(Jill and I may have to fly there and do an "intervention" if you give in...)
hugs, sweetie...
I agree with Jill. Dave can rent a car, it's been done before, I have heard.
The reconciliation -- whatever it will be -- can take place at another venue.
Yes, tell him your car is not available. All the above people are far too nice. I'd tell him that the car is not available in order to spare him any more "destructive and non-productive" moments, because, even if he has an hour and a half to waste on the way to the airport, your car no doubt has all sorts of "destructive and non-productive" reminders of you all over it, and it just wouldn't be Christian of you to subject him to that for an entire week.
My, I feel better.
Reconciliation? I think that now is the time to decide who you want to be in that reconciliation, and you need to consider what is productive for you.
Mary, I'll totally join you on an intervention if need be.
I agree with Jill 1000%. You must say NO, at least to the part where you and he are in the car together for 90 minutes. Let him rent a car. I can't imagine why he thinks you should do him this favor.
If you're not ready to be that much of a hard-ass, then the only solution is that you take a taxi to the airport, he can use the car while he's in town, and he can take a taxi when he goes to the airport. But NO, NO, NO, he is not going to drive you to the airport.
I wouldn't go into a lot of reasons or discussion, either. He doesn't have anything nice to say, so why engage him? You've changed your mind, and that's that. I don't see that you owe him a lot of explanations about anything at all.
I agree with everyone above. A reconciliation may happen someday but you're not there yet. You're a civil person but he doesn't deserve this just yet.
And I think he has little brass ones to even ask you for this favor. I like the idea of leaving the car for him and catching a limo if that would make you feel better, more cooperative.
EVERYONE was saying exactly what you're saying. It was just me, wondering if there was some benefit to subjecting myself to the experience. But I wrote to him this morning and told him I'd changed my mind. He was civil, but said he was thinking of saving me the parking costs of long-term parking. Now THAT I don't believe.
Chiming in late to say GOOD FOR YOU - I'd tell him he has lost his freaking mind if he thinks you're going to spend one MORE instant of your life trying to make HIS life more comfortable. Tell him the cost of long term parking is nothing compared to your peace of mind.
Andrea, I'm late posting here, too, but I must say that I agree with what everyone is saying. He wants to see the kids, then he rents a car. That's part of the deal, you know? He doesn't want to be married, then he doesn't get to use your fricking car. He's a big boy and can rent one. And it's way too soon to talk about reconciliation - you still have healing to do and are still coming to terms with it! I'm glad you went ahead and told him that he couldn't use your car. He wanted to end it. He's got to deal with the fact that he can't use your things to make his life more convenient! Urgh! He just really irritates me!!!
Looks like all has been said and decided. Just thought I'd add a wave and a nod...
Andrea -- Tell Dave that you have many friends who would swoop in to pay your long term parking, if that is what you wanted or needed.
Long-term parking, my foot!
I can drive you to the airport. I do it all the time! Let me know if you'd like a ride.
Good for you. There is no benefit to subjecting yourself to this experience at this time. None. Handle the car and getting to and from the airport in the way that is best and most convenient for you and that keeps your interactions with him to a minimum. If that causes him some inconvenience, well, that's a consequence of the decisions he's made.
When are you leaving town? I have to go to O'Hare next Friday afternoon anyway to pick up a friend...
Think of it this way, Andrea--now he'll have a story to tell people. I can just imagine hearing such a story from someone while trying to keep my mouth from falling open as I think "you asked her to do WHAT?"
OMG, my first reaction upon reading your post was "Screw THAT!!!" I am glad you told him to foget it. Besides, doesn't he have a perfectly good bicycle?
Now, I'm still trying to figure out why you're letting him use your house. He may still own part of it, but he no longer lives there. Let him go to the Holiday Inn like all the other part-time dads. Seriously, otherwise why did you bother changing the locks? I wouldn't leave my [hypothetical] ex alone in my house with my things.
But if you must, you should totally go out of your way to Andreaify the entire place before you leave. Mark your territory, girl. And for god's sake, do NOT allow him to sleep in your fabulous new girly bed! Leave a sleeping bag and a pillow on the couch. The short couch.
My vote: Long-term parking for you (or a ride with a friend, as long as it does not involve your leaving your car for his use); rental car for him. I'm also in favor of making him use a hotel -- you deserve your own space right now. But I may be a harder-ass than you, in that regard.
I really can't believe he suggested this, but then -- it's just more of the same nonsense, isn't it? What a prick.
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