Monday, March 17, 2008

Just Someone I Used to Know

Ok, Dave's gone. I'm back to my regular life. I certainly had no expectation (or desire) that he would come over to the house. I didn't want to run into him by accident. There was no need for us to do something together with the kids. My fervent hope was for no contact, and that's what I got.

But I did wonder what he was thinking while he was here. I did wonder if he would come to the house while I wasn't there. It is technically still his house too. He might have been curious about maintenance issues or some such thing. I did wonder if he would ask the kids or mutual friends how I was doing. Nope. By accident, I'm pretty sure the truth fell out of my mouth. I said "I'm just someone he used to know."

We lived together for 25 years. I had his babies. But, I imagine, he spends exactly no time thinking about me. The relationship is over not just in a legal sense, but in his mind. Needless to say, I suppose, I haven't achieved that level of closure. Of course, he had longer to think about the end of the relationship- to plot and plan for it, and not clue me in. So I suppose there's little wonder that he's ahead of me in the process.

But truthfully, I can't imagine ever being quite at that point. Closure I can imagine. I can't imagine, though, that he'll ever be gone from my psyche in the way that I'm apparently gone from his. I just don't throw people away like that. And the experience of being the "thrown away one" is certainly new to me. I've been dumped by guys before (in the dim dark past), but not many, thank you very much. But that's not the same thing as this, for heaven's sake.

Then I look around my work. Here are the people who can teach me how to survive that. Homeless people know what it's like to be thrown away. It happens to them all day every day. Hell, I was homeless too, thanks to the kind efforts of my former lover. I was spared the brutality of the full experience due to the kindness of friends, but homeless nonetheless.

There's no need to romanticize homeless people or homelessness -and no point in it, anyway. They frequently make decisions that are short-term smart and long-term weak. They frequently (statistically speaking) resort to mental illness and substance abuse to deal with the mind-breaking pain of it all. But sometimes even that is an act of power. And sometimes, some of them grab personal power more effectively, stand up for themselves, and metaphorically make the statement that they are not worthless garbage.

And shame on the people who threw them out like trash.


Anonymous said...
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Andrea Rusin said...
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Renee said...

Ooo, deleted comments already. This one must have struck a nerve.

I can imagine how last week must have been, you not wanting to but all nerved up to run into him somewhere and then...nothing. Kind of anticlimactic, I'll bet.

No, after the way he treated you I don't imagine he'll ever just fade into your memory.

Lianne Raymond said...

So glad you didn't have to deal with him - I was thinking about you all weekend.

He is still in a fog right now thinking he is in love with the AMW, but the reality of what he has thrown away is going to hit him somewhere down the line, and I predict it's going to hit him hard.

Sharon said...

Andrea, I was thinking of you two. And I know you're still in his consciousness just like every other part of his life. He's just choosing not to deal with that.

Sharon said...

Oops. really mis-leading typo in my comment above. First sentence should end " too."