Hello, dear ones. I'm in DeKalb, at a friend's house.
In some ways, I'm doing much better than I was in Swarthmore. THERE I had made no friends yet, didn't have work yet, and had a failing marriage. I was as close to broken as I ever care to be.
Last Monday I drove away and hauled my sorry self to my sister's. She took unbelievably gentle care of me. On Thursday, I drove from her house back to DeKalb. Leaving there was almost as hard as leaving Swarthmore. I was leaving a safe and nurturing place that time. But I was afraid that fear of leaving would overcome me, so I made myself get in the car and start driving.
So now I get to find a new job, find a place to live (there are renters in our house until June), and rebuild my life. But I'm doing it with friends and resources -which I didn't have in Swarthmore.
Dave and I are .... not on the same page, shall we say. The only agreement we've come to so far is that we won't consult lawyers and finalize things legally until the end of the school year. We are going to use the rest of this time to confront our considerable personal issues and see where two comparatively more healthy people are in June. My thinking is that that scenario doesn't rule out reconciliation (and untold hours of marriage counseling) but it doesn't guarantee it either. Doing nothing about our unexamined personal issues guarantees divorce. Dave is pretty sure divorce is inevitable no matter what we choose. I have no predictions as to what I will want in June.
What I know now is that, even though he's done some unimaginable things, this is not like his highest and best self and his is still the voice I want to hear when I'm sad. And I'm very, very sad.