Things I'm Learning

They are not earth-shattering things.

Country music will not help.
Friends will.
It's hard to be so abjectly on the receiving end of a friendship.
I don't have any choice but to be on the receiving end.
Yoga can momentarily heal a broken heart.
It's possible to be psychically bleeding and still move forward.

I'm a wreck, but I'm moving forward. Fear not, dear ones. I will not crumble. Of course, if you want to call me and go out for a beer, just to reassure yourself on that point, I'm good with that!

Finding Courage

It's here somewhere. It must be.

I wish I could be like Crazy Aunt Purl, and be funny in he midst of this pain. As she went through a divorce, we laughed and cried with her. I, on the other hand, can hardly move. I'm up and I'm dressed (in workout clothes, because they're comfortable -not because I have any energy for working out) and that's it.

Oh, and I've made an appointment with a therapist and with an attorney. It's 10:00 in the morning. Where is the old "kicking butt and taking names" Andrea? Has anyone seen her?

Lest You Think I've Fallen Off the Edge....

Hello, dear ones. I'm in DeKalb, at a friend's house.

In some ways, I'm doing much better than I was in Swarthmore. THERE I had made no friends yet, didn't have work yet, and had a failing marriage. I was as close to broken as I ever care to be.

Last Monday I drove away and hauled my sorry self to my sister's. She took unbelievably gentle care of me. On Thursday, I drove from her house back to DeKalb. Leaving there was almost as hard as leaving Swarthmore. I was leaving a safe and nurturing place that time. But I was afraid that fear of leaving would overcome me, so I made myself get in the car and start driving.

So now I get to find a new job, find a place to live (there are renters in our house until June), and rebuild my life. But I'm doing it with friends and resources -which I didn't have in Swarthmore.

Dave and I are .... not on the same page, shall we say. The only agreement we've come to so far is that we won't consult lawyers and finalize things legally until the end of the school year. We are going to use the rest of this time to confront our considerable personal issues and see where two comparatively more healthy people are in June. My thinking is that that scenario doesn't rule out reconciliation (and untold hours of marriage counseling) but it doesn't guarantee it either. Doing nothing about our unexamined personal issues guarantees divorce. Dave is pretty sure divorce is inevitable no matter what we choose. I have no predictions as to what I will want in June.

What I know now is that, even though he's done some unimaginable things, this is not like his highest and best self and his is still the voice I want to hear when I'm sad. And I'm very, very sad.

We interrupt this life...

I've been horribly lax about this blog for a while. My excuses were preparing for the move, getting adjusted to living with my husband again, trying to find my way in a new town....

In truth, it was none of that.

My marriage was falling apart around my head, and I couldn't think about anything else. Subconsciously I apparently thought that if I held very still and got very small, this storm would pass me by. Not so much with that.

About 48 hours ago, I drove away from my marriage. I am currently staying with one of my sisters, who is caring for me very tenderly. Friends in DeKalb are waiting for me and have extended offers of mind-bending generosity. I will regroup, reclaim my life... step up to the plate and be the grown-up in my own story.

It all sucks. I always wondered how people could be blindsided by marital disasters. Now I know.

Please think good thoughts for me.