Monday, March 09, 2009

I Want to Be in Charge of Karma

I'm a despicable person.

I don't want to be the Executive Director of Universal Karma. I'm willing to be reasonable, here. I just want to be in charge of one person's karma, and you won't have much trouble guessing whose. I don't wish horrible, terrible, no good, very bad things upon his head. I don't want him to get hit by a bus; I don't want the people he loves to suffer -unless they're Argentinian and bottled blondes. (Whoops.... that just slipped out.)

I realized today, though, that I want him to regret the divorce. I want him to think it was a bad idea, and wish he'd never started down that path. I want him to suffer, for crying out loud. And he's really not. He's not looking back at all.

It feeds his ego for me to suffer, which is only one more of a million reasons why I should stop. Every once in a while, when it's been too long since the old ego had a snack, he tosses some trouble my way. But I'm only useful as a tool; he doesn't care about me as a person. Why doesn't that make it easier to let go, I wonder?


nomad said...

I completely understand. I struggle in a similar way, sometimes, with specific people who have forced me out of their life for reasons that were not kind nor fair. I don't understand why it is so hard to let go of people who have made it clear that they care nothing for us. I have a "flair" on facebook that pretty much summs it up: "You just have to learn to forget the people who forget about you." ...ya, but how?

Yarnsmith said...

It matters to you because you have a conscience, and you care about people. You do not want people to suffer... you do not receive power in that way. You want him to have the same ability to care as you do... that's why it's hard for you to let go.

If someone can move on as easily as he did, he is to be pitied, because he cannot really CARE about anyone except himself. And that is a very sad state.

Elizabeth said...

Yeah, I don't care anymore about people who don't care. Worthless self centered buttheads.