Friday, November 21, 2008

All Alone in the Dark

So much about my life is going really well, you guys. I'm flying -or starting to- and I had thought my wings were permanently broken. This state of affairs is not much shy of miraculous, when you get right down to it. But I do this thing that reveals that I'm still not okay.

I look at people's hands to see if they're wearing wedding rings, and it's not because I want to see if they're single. I want to see if they're partnered, and my next, covetous thought is "You don't have to be alone in the dark". "Somebody knows your flaws and keeps you around anyway."

I hate it when I think like this. But the thinking goes something like.... everybody is broken, I get that. Everyone is flawed. But for those of you who are still partnered, bad could your flaws be? Your partner still sees them as less important than your good features. My no-longer-partner no longer weighs things that way, clearly, and in the last bit of cruelty wanted everyone to know. I'm SO flawed that he had to find other lovers and kick me to the curb and endanger my safety. It was justified, somehow.

Yes, I hear you. It's not about my flaws; it's about his. Of course, I'm flawed, but nothing in me deserved this. I'm still alone in the dark, you guys. I don't want to limit myself anymore, but I don't think I dare EVER risk a committed relationship again. So...yeah.... self-imposed limits. I can't do it. Because of him...because of me...because of the peculiar confluence of the two of us, I'll be alone in the dark for the rest of my life.

The only defense I have is that nobody's okay, when you get right down to it. Everybody has pain and sadness. They may not put it out on blogs, but it's there. Sadness is just part of the human condition; I will probably always have a Dave-sized hole in my heart. Eventually that will stop defining me.

But today is not that day.


jill said...

No, nobody's okay.

And being alone is So. Much. Better than being with someone who makes you miserable.

Lisa :-] said...

This absolutely is not about your's about his. Not just his flaws that drove him to ultimately do what he did to you, but his flaws that kept him from committing to you as you had committed to him.

I encourage you not to think of it as being "alone in the dark;" rather, think of it as facing the dark on your own terms...and kicking its ass.

Patrice said...

I also encourage you to avoid projecting your aloneness to "the rest of your life." Nobody knows what's going to happen next. Take it a day at a time.

Nina said...

You've been listening to too much country music again.... Try some R&B. Aretha Franklin.

Maybe my advice isn't as wise as the others posted here, but it does have the advantage of being immediately actionable!

Lianne Raymond said...

Well, to quote one of my favourite Canadian songwriters, sometimes you just gotta kick at the darkness til it bleeds daylight.

And it will, it will. You know it will. It already has. Keep kickin!

Sharon Frost said...

I like Nina's comment!

nomad said...

I love this post. This is the post that made me a follower of your blog. You are incredibly eloquent.